I know I haven't been posting for ages, but it doesn't mean that I have not been writing... I just have not got around to uploading it..


I seem to be out of the habit


Written at 13:52 on 1st April 2009

The tutor bell has just gone, I’d better make this quick.



Revision now is my priority… all else must come second. Sadly.



I have a concert tonight. I’ll let you know how it goes afterwards. Bye





I’m beginning to lose trust in some people



Written 18:36 on 8th April 2009 – at home and have internet…. But here seems like less hassle



I have just found out something rather important about why I have been struggling to concentrate, and why I have been feeling to down recently.



You can fill in the blank.



And something that makes it worse - people not believing me.



I simply said hi to some friends earlier, and they started having a go at me. When I explained what was wrong I got the feeling that they didn’t believe me, or believe how bad I have been feeling, because they just told me I should keep working as if nothing was wrong.



I can’t.



I physically can’t.



And they just don’t seem to understand.



I trusted them very highly. I thought they would understand.



Obviously not.



I am beginning to wonder if there is much left for me at school.



I think I need to move on.



Thank goodness Uni is on the way.



A completely fresh start.



Somewhere I cannot be judged on my past. Where they don’t care about my past.



My only losses are Jack and my family. I don’t want to leave them. I’ll miss them terribly.





Times change, the world grows and people move on. I guess I will have to as well.



But my love remains the same.



They may cause my tears to fall, but they will never cause my bonds to break.







I have had nearly as much as I can take



Written at 22:03 23rd April 2009



I have had about as much as I can physically and mentally take of all of this nonsense from school.



My French teacher moved my oral exam. While that in itself is alright as it gives me more time, she raged at me, like I knew she would. I had been working very hard, my situation considered. I just wish that everyone, not just her, could find some space in their stressed out hearts to try and help someone feel a bit better about themselves, then maybe they can do the same for you.



Yes I am well aware that my coping strategies fail. That is because I have none, as I have never had need of them before.



I have never been so stressed in my life. And people just don’t seem to get that this is a first for me. They tell me that I just need to get my head down and get on with it, but I physically can’t because I am too stressed.



Getting ill over the holidays didn’t help either. I knew when I started that I had a huge work load to contend with. I had every intention of doing homework and revision little and often. It didn’t help that Miss Brookfield sprang on me that she wanted my French oral script in French. I had intended on having an outline in English, then learning verbs and other vocabulary that was missing, so that I could make the conversation sound natural. This was also the first that I remember hearing of a French oral script being required. I thought that is was not advised.



Anyway, on that you get the point. On that part of my stress at least.



I came out of the holiday with almost as much work as I started with. It didn’t make me feel any better.



I have slowly gotten through it in the week.



But then today.



I was working on my part of a chemistry presentation, and I am very annoyed to find that I have just about wasted the time that I spent on it. The work had practically already been done for me. I had done and structured the whole thing, with a script.



I doubt that my script will have any use, or if indeed I do….. to them at least.



I know that I was supposed to have it done on Monday. I went and spoke to the teacher straight away to explain what had happened. Miss Dabrouski was the most sympathetic of all my teachers. I wish I had her more often she was so nice to me. However I said nothing to the rest of my group, hoping to get it done quickly, and have nothing more said on the subject.



Sadly it seems they have done most of it, and not forewarned me which bits have been done.



And what is worse is that mum is on their side.



*sighs* I don’t know what to do any more. The people I thought would be the most kind and supportive are failing me when I need them most...







I don’t want to do this anymore



Written 19:47 on 26th May 2009



I have had as much as I can take of this. I want out. I don’t want to do this anymore.



In terms of education, the last two years have been the worst of my life. I have spent just about all of the time feeling stupid, useless and worthless, because everyone was so much better at everything than me. I am yet to get an A grade in anything, and it feels like everyone else has.



Why did I want to stay there? Why?



It was probably the worst mistake of my life. It has bought me nothing but misery.



And my parents are no help what so ever, especially my mum. I can’t ever talk to them about struggling, because they just lecture me and tell me I can’t do it if I continue as I am.



I have tried to change, but it just has not worked. So I have to continue as I am. So basically, I have to fail, because I can’t change.



I just don’t want to be here anymore.



*bursts in to tears*